Emotional regulation is not an innate ability, but has to be taught: Psychiatrist
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As a parent, try to understand your child’s perspective, and don’t be upset if you don’t know what he or she is thinking.
PHOTO: ST FILE
- Parents should model calm behaviour, as children mirror their emotional states
- Keep trying to communicate, even if the child won't talk. Create relaxed opportunities to gently probe and connect with them.
- Apologise for losing your cool; it's okay to say sorry. Focus on understanding each other, not "winning" the argument.
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SINGAPORE – Emotional regulation is not an innate ability, but a skill that parents and caregivers teach children.
The ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences is a core skill that improves mental health, enhances daily functioning and helps build healthy relationships.
In the latest Health Check podcast on helping children understand and manage their emotions,
They should also defer difficult conversations until composed, as children will mirror their parents’ behaviour.
Dr Ong is the chairman of creative services and the youth committee at the Singapore Association of Mental Health, and a senior consultant psychiatrist at the Institute of Mental Health.
Here are some edited excerpts from that conversation:
Q: If your child won’t communicate with you, what can you do?
A: Keep trying and don’t be discouraged or give up. Since children may not feel comfortable talking about their problems directly, try to create relaxed opportunities for communication.
For instance, take them for a walk, or do an activity together. During these more relaxed moments, you can start gently probing them.
As a parent, you have the right to say you’re concerned because you observed something and you’re not sure what it is about, and whether you could be of any help to the child.
Q: What is the most immediate step parents can take to repair the damage, particularly after losing their cool or speaking in anger?
A: It’s perfectly all right to say: “Sorry, I was just too angry and upset, and I said the wrong thing.”
It takes courage to apologise to the child. Also, there’s nothing wrong with being sorry for making the wrong choice – but be aware of it and try to rectify it.
It’s crucial to move away from the idea that the person who has the “last word” is the winner in a disagreement. Don’t view it as a challenge.
Instead, the focus should be on taking a step back and approaching each other calmly and non-judgmentally.
As a parent, try to understand your child’s perspective, and don’t be upset if you don’t know what he or she is thinking.
Take the time to understand your child.
Without mutual understanding, you will often reach an impasse. You cannot move forward, and the issues will accumulate over time, ultimately straining the parent-child relationship.
Q: Do you have a simple emotional first aid technique that parents can use when they’re feeling a lot of anger or stress?
A: When tackling any challenging situation, it is very pertinent for the adult to keep as calm as possible. Parents must serve as role models, as children often mirror adult behaviour and emotional states. This means a child will assess how to react by observing a parent.
If adults are not ready to have a conversation with a child or teen, they should defer it until they are calmer. This is to prevent the situation from escalating further.
Furthermore, by walking away if they are not in the right frame of mind, adults model a healthy coping behaviour that the child can learn to emulate.
